Have You Been Abandoning Yourself (And Haven’t Even Realized It)?
Do you constantly put others first, ignore your gut feelings, or criticize yourself without mercy? You might feel like you're always trying to say or do what you think others want to hear. Perhaps you feel disconnected from yourself, or struggle with a fear of not being authentic. These could all be indicators of a deeper, protective pattern of self-abandonment.
What is Self-Abandonment?
The term “self-abandonment” refers to a pattern of behavior where an individual will neglect or put their own needs and wants aside to prioritize those of others. Self-abandonment as a theme can often go unnoticed as it hides behind behaviors that can be considered “normal” or maybe present as something else. For example- people pleasing is often a self-abandonment behavior, but can also be poor boundaries, “just being nice”, or a response to anxiety.
Self-abandonment behaviors are different from healthy compromise and generosity. As humans, there will definitely come a time when we have to or are willing to do something that we don’t want to do. Compromise, generosity, and sacrifice are a part of healthy realtionships and the human condition. Additionally, we each play many roles throughout our lives that require different skills. I act differently in front of my friends than during a session with a client. This doesn’t necessarily mean I am abandoning myself in front of my clients - I am just being my professional self. Now, if I am highly anxious and scripting what I think my friends will want me to say so they will be happy with me - we might have something more to look at. Self-abandonment is often described as feeling like a container for others or feeling disconnected from your own identity.
Self-abandonment is a skill that has been learned to help keep you safe and connected, often stemming in childhood. This may be from family dynamics where it is learned that it is “safer” to go with the flow rather than to speak your mind and be rejected or yelled at. The behaviors can be caused from trauma where you learned that things were more peaceful when you were able to correctly guess what the other person wanted you to do, or simply just did what was asked and expected of you. It can also be from cultural conditions and norms. There are many scenarios and reasons why this behavior might have once been helpful, and overtime our brains learn that this is a way to survive.
Sneaky Signs You Might Be Abandoning Yourself
Below are some common behaviors that you might notice happening over and over again.
Not Trusting Your Instincts
Second-guessing, looking to others for answers.People-Pleasing
Saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Personalizing things that are not your responsibility.Suppressing Your Needs
Ignoring hunger, rest, or emotional needs to meet those of others.Perfectionism
Believing you’re only worthy if you perform flawlessly.Self-Criticism
Harsh inner dialogue.Hiding Parts of Yourself
Dimming or dismissing parts of yourself to avoid judgment or keep peace.Over-functioning in Relationships
Carrying responsibility for everyone’s feelings.Avoiding Your Emotions
Numbing out with work, screens, or substances.
The Cost of Self-Abandonment
As mentioned earlier, self-abandonment was a skill that you most likely learned to help keep you safe and connected. While these skills may have been helpful at one point in your life, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are still the most advantageous for your life now. Continuing the pattern of self-abandonment can lead to emotional, relationship, and personal consequences.
You may notice chronic anxiety, feelings of resentment, or feelings of isolation. In your relationships, you may notice patterns of codependency, anger with others, or a lack of authenticity. You may feel disconnected from yourself, your purpose, and the things that bring you joy. You may feel just overwhelmed and exhausted with having to keep up.
Here are some actionable steps that you can take:
Practice checking in with your needs daily.
Notice and challenge your inner critic.
Set small boundaries as experiments.
Identify one area where you will honor your preferences.
Work with a therapist or supportive guide.
Wrapping Up
Just as you have learned these behaviors, it is possible to unlearn them. For many people, understanding the roots of their behaviors can be the starting point of their healing journey, as well as making behavioral changes to move forward in a more authentic life. Getting curious about yourself and how you are showing up is the first step.
If you want to explore the concept of self abandonment more. Reach out to us today!