Understanding Attachment Theory
Have you ever wondered why you behave the way you do in a relationship? Or maybe have wondered why some people seem so secure, while you or others may seem anxious, distant, or afraid? The answer is likely due to attachment styles. Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how our experiences in relationships, particularly those early experiences with caregivers, can shape our ability to connect with others throughout our lives.
In this post, we aim to dive into what attachment theory is, how it develops, and how understanding your attachment style can help you build stronger, healthier relationships.
What is Attachment Theory?
A quick overview of the history of attachment theory: Back in the 1950s, a British psychologist named John Bowlby came up with this idea, and then Mary Ainsworth built on it in the 70s. Both of these individuals spent a lot of time on the research and ideals of this theory. Long story short- they saw how those first relationships we have with our main caregivers (usually our parents) shape how we connect with people as adults.
Attachment theory suggests that we’re biologically programmed to form emotional bonds with others. That we, as humans, crave comfort and connection. The bonds we create with others are the foundation of our emotional well-being and aid in helping us feel safe and secure.
How Attachment Styles Develop
Our attachment style is initially shaped by the way we were treated by our caregivers during our earliest years of life, which is considered to be the most critical time for these patterns to be developed. Our style continues to develop over time by the influences of our ongoing relationships with others, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family, and more. A secure or insecure attachment can develop based on the consistency, responsiveness, and emotional availability of these relationships.
In attachment theory approaches, we look at four primary attachment styles that continue to affect how we relate to others as adults.
Secure Attachment Style
What it looks like: People with a secure attachment style tend to be comfortable with closeness and intimacy, and are good at trusting others. They're great at leaning on their partners, friends, and family for support, but they also have a strong sense of independence. There is a great balance in secure attachments.
Where it comes from: This style usually comes from early childhood experiences where caregivers consistently met the child's needs. These caregivers were good at comforting them when they were upset and created a safe space for them to explore and be autonomous.
How it shows up in adults: Adults with a secure attachment style are likely to form healthy, stable relationships. They're good at clearly communicating their needs, trusting others, and resolving conflicts constructively.
Anxious Attachment Style
What it looks like: People with an anxious attachment style often feel worried about their relationships and are scared of being left alone. They might lean a lot on others for reassurance and struggle with jealousy or feeling insecure.
Where it comes from: This style usually forms in childhood when caregivers aren't consistent. They might be loving and supportive one moment, then distant or unavailable the next, which leaves the child feeling unsure and anxious, almost never knowing what to expect.
How it shows up in adults: Adults with an anxious attachment style tend to get really focused on their partner's feelings or actions, worrying that their affection isn't returned. This can lead to a constant need for validation and reassurance, which can sometimes put a strain on relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Style
What it looks like: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style typically show emotional distance and a discomfort with intimacy and closeness. They prioritize self-reliance and may struggle to trust others or open up emotionally.
Where it comes from: This style often develops in childhood due to caregivers who were emotionally distant or unresponsive. Children learned to suppress their emotions and avoid seeking comfort, as consistency was lacking. They learned to do things on their own.
How it shows up in adults: Adults with an avoidant attachment style may find emotional closeness overwhelming, prioritize independence, and overly avoid conflict or emotionally intense situations.
Disorganized Attachment Style
What it looks like: Individuals with a disorganized attachment style often have contradictory behaviors in relationships. They may simultaneously desire intimacy and closeness while also fearing it, leading to emotional confusion and instability in their connections with others.
Where it comes from: This style typically develops from early caregiving experiences that were inconsistent, unpredictable, or even frightening. Caregivers might have provided comfort at times, but also caused fear, creating a dilemma for the child regarding how to respond to emotional needs.
How it shows up in adults: Adults with disorganized attachment may struggle with an intense fear of rejection or abandonment, coupled with a simultaneous urge to avoid emotional closeness. This can result in a pattern of a push-pull dynamic in relationships and can create challenges with trust.
How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Adult Relationships
Your attachment style will typically show up in most of the relationships that you have; however, most people tend to notice their patterns more in their romantic relationships. Your attachment patterns can affect how easily you connect with others, how safe you feel in new relationships, and how quickly you are to welcome new people into your life.
Attachment styles can affect your communication. Oftentimes, those with anxious attachments will need reassurance, while those with avoidant attachment may struggle to express emotions or needs to others. Both styles may avoid or dislike confrontation and conflict; however, anxious attachers often notice more conflict in their relationships.
In addition to your communication, how you handle conflict will also show up in these patterns and dynamics. Securely attached individuals tend to handle conflict and confrontation with a “cool, calm, and collected” approach. For the anxious or avoidant person, the reaction may be highly emotional, withdrawal, or shut down, or a strong level of avoidance.
Your perception of others can also be influenced by attachment styles. Your attachment style may affect the patterns in how you view the intentions and reliability of others in your life. An anxious attacher may interpret someone not texting them back right away as a rejection, and on the other hand, an avoidant attacher may perceive constant communication as a threat.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
The good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone. Many theorists have highlighted the importance of early experiences and their impact on attachment patterns. And this is true - those experiences shape our initial perceptions of the way the world works and how we have to survive. However, we will experience a multitude of different types of relationships in our lives that may contribute to these patterns. At the same time, we may have relationships in our lives that help us challenge these patterns or reinforce healthy, secure attachment. In addition, bringing insight and awareness to the patterns and therapy can be extremely beneficial in helping reshape attachment patterns.
Therapies such as Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), or Narrative Therapy can all be extremely helpful in addressing attachment patterns. Each of these modalities can help break unhealthy or maladaptive relationship cycles, heal past traumas and attachment wounds, and improve self-awareness and insight. This is done through learning how to recognize and understand your patterns; processing past traumas; learning skills to develop healthier ways of connection; and can aid in building trust, communication, and regulating emotions in a safe and secure place.
If you think your attachment style is affecting your relationships or overall well-being, reach out today to start the conversation about how therapy may be beneficial for you to better understand options and the process. Therapy isn’t just about healing old wounds—it’s also about creating healthier, more secure ways of being in relationships moving forward.